Little known to the body of the Church, during the summer of 1940, a hitchhiker traveling across the southwest desert made a marvelous discovery while searching for a place to bed down in a cave. Unable to sleep, the hitchhiker began picking at a crack in the floor of the cave, and to his dismay, found nothing less than the lid to a stone box. Upon removing the lid he discovered a set of aluminum plates, a switchblade knife, and a pair of fuzzy dice.

In his desperation for food, the hitchhiker sold the plates to an archaeologist from BYU, whom he met at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Shiprock, New Mexico. The relics were reportedly sold for $100 and a bucket of the Colonel's extra crispy with extra slaw and mashed potatoes.

Archaeologists have determined that the plates date from approximately 600 B.C. and contain writings, in reformed Egyptian, which seem to parallel the narrative account the Book of Mormon. It is thought that the engravings were written by several men, or one slightly schizophrenic man.

The Church has delayed comment until the plates can be fully translated.

We are proud to present this premier look at the translated portions of these plates.

DEAR DIARY,
I, Lemuel, having been born of nagging parents, therefore, I have been harassed much of my life. Not only by my parents, but also by my younger brother Nephi, and my older brother Laman, with whom I get along best. There, now maybe my parents will get off my back about keeping a record.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
It has finally happened! My father is a lunatic. He has decided that he "feels" that we should leave the big city and head into the wilderness. God only knows where. He stated talking about leaving after he came home from yelling at people to repent. He said they threw rocks at him. I think one of them must have beaned him on the noggin. He then went and laid on his bed for about twelve hours straight. I thought he was in a coma.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
It looks like dad is serious about this leaving thing. He says that he had "a dream in which God told him to leave Jerusalem. I guess it couldn't have had anything to do with the mostaccioli he ate before he went to bed. I always have dreams like that if I eat pizza before I sleep.

Laman and I are resisting, but it looks like we're going too. We don't really have to, I guess, but if we don't, how will we eat? Despair. I have a girlfriend and my own horse. Dad is loaded with gold, which we can't take into the wilderness because it's too heavy. of course, that momma's boy Nephi is eager to go. He makes me sick I think I'll hurl my lunch if I see him again today.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
We've been living in a tent for three days now. My neck hurts from sleeping on the ground. It must show, because Dad and Nephi keep commenting on my stiffneckedness. There are mosquitoes everywhere, and I have blisters on my feet. Today Dad said, "o that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord… blah, blah, blah." Whatever. Constant nagging. He never lets up, and Nephi isn't much better. Have to go now.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Hi. I'm Lemuel, and I'm retarded.

DEAR DIARY,
I didn't write that last entry. Laman must have gotten a hold of the plates. Sometimes he's really a jerk. I wish there was a way to erase engravings. Maybe a jeweler could fix it. Dad says we have to go back to town and get some brass plates from Laban. Sure, like Laban's going to say, "Here, take them. Maybe you want my coat too? You want that I should die of pneumonia, then you'll be happy." He hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him. I'm not going.
LEM.